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Nine Years

Nine years is a long time. Not as long as ten, as short as four or as “itchy” as seven, but it’s a nice length of time.

After nine years you know a person pretty well. You know when she’s mad, you know when she’s happy, you know when you should stop being cheeky, and when a quick wink will make her day. You know how to pamper her, you know exactly how she likes her tea, you know what makes her smile.

You know that she’ll always think of others first. You know that she likes getting up early on a Saturday morning to get the washing done. You know that she ALWAYS gags when brushing her teeth. You know that she prefers doughnuts to chocolate, red wine to champagne. You know that she’ll always be there, just as you know that you can’t imagine being anywhere else.

So, to my darling wife from the silly man you’ve spent the last nine years with, Happy Anniversary.

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Excerpts from the Fringe 2005

No, I’ve not been near Edinburgh – if you are looking for some inside info check Alan, or Richard or pick an Edinburgh blog – but received the following in an email which made me laugh:

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms.

“Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.”
Jimmy Carr.

“The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.”
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon.

“The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… Dido must be sh*tting herself.”
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

“My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?”
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

“My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.”
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

“You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go “What’s my favourite flower?”, and you murmur to yourself “Shit, I wasn’t listening – self-raising?”. “
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

“The world is a dangerous place – only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.”
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

“I saw that show ’50 Things To Do Before You Die’. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!!”
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron.

“I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork …..”
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

“Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.”
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance.

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms.

“A dog goes into a hardware store and says “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?”. The dog replies “What would the circus want with a plumber”. “
Steven Alan Green at C34

“Hey – you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.”
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance.

“I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!”. “
Norman Lovett at The Stand.

“It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.”
Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.”
Arnold Brown at The Stand.

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.”
Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

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Stop thief!

Jason Kottke recently posted a link to this article which discusses the practise of “word theft”. Apparently “It was an old tradition in encyclopedias to put in a fake entry to protect your copyright”.

It reminded me of something very similar from my time at Dr.Solomons (the anti-virus people).

We had a “virus encyclopedia” on the website which I helped maintain. The library listed known viruses, their payload and fixes, and was a fun thing to work on as we’d receive, on average, 15-20 new viruses daily. Before I joined the company the encyclopedia already had hundreds of entries including the term “custard pie”. The definition of “custard pie” simply referred you to a second entry named “rubber chicken” (the definition of which sent you back to the term “custard pie”).

It was added as a fun and silly way to catch anyone copying our material. It was simple and obvious and we never thought it would even be noticed, in fact I can’t recall hearing if any customers had spotted it.

So ,it was most amusing when those very terms turned up on a rival company’s newly relaunched website. Maybe we should have included the term “red-handed”!!

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