How to maintain a healthy level of insanity
Monday, March 16, 2009 ~ 1 comment so far
Yes, this was forwarded to me by a friend. No, I don’t post these very often. Yes, number 4 made me laugh the loudest.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
I’ve sat in a white car with a camera which had a big lens on it (the camera, not the car), same effect. And no I didn’t do it on purpose!
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
How many offices still have an intercom?
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Ahhh so this list originates from America
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
This is evil. And I started doing this one this morning.. day 1 of decaf
5. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘ for marijuana’.
What’s a cheque stub? It’s 2009!
6. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
But… I’ve seen bottles of diet water, they do exist!!
8. Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.
11. When the money comes out the atm, scream ‘I won! I won!’
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling ‘run for your lives! They’re loose!’.
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In other news. There is no other news. As you were.
Finish This Sentence
Wednesday, August 6, 2008 ~ 6 comments so far
Ignoring the fact I have been specifically tagged, and not completed, a few memes in the past couple of months, this one I think I can tackle. Thanks to Cliff for the open invite.
1. My uncle once: remembered my birthday (LOL!!).
2. Never in my life: have I chosen to eat a raw tomato, ick ick ick.
3. When I was five: I had the run of the house as my sister had yet to appear.
4. High school was: much the same as anyone else who was smarter than most and didn’t “fit in” with the cool kids.
5. I will never forget: finishing my first 10K and the emotions that went with that.
6. Once I met: a homeless person and bought him coffee and a doughnut.
7. There’s this girl I know: Who writes a blog that no-one reads, and she’s really good but hates getting compliments (and I’m not linking to it until I get permission).
8. Once, at a bar: I stole a bottle of champagne and no-one noticed.
9. By noon, I’m usually: ready for lunch and checking what the afternoon holds.
10. Last night: I did some work on a blog design, it’s coming along nicely (and the client is really nice, that helps).
11. If only I had: more discipline.
12. Next time I go to church: I’ll, again, wonder why I’m there.
13. What worries me most: is what the future may or may not hold.
14. When I turn my head left I see: a MacBook and the remnants of my lunch.
15. When I turn my head right I see: out of the window, across the cul-de-sac.
16. You know I’m lying when: I don’t tell the truth.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: an obscure snob, sitting on the sidelines whilst the main play unfolded, chipping in with witty asides.
19. By this time next year: I’ll be a year older.
20. A better name for me would be: Mr. Research.
21. I have a hard time understanding: people who are happy to accept the status quo, who accept prejudice as fact and remain inconsiderate of others.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: only be there to gloat.
23. You know I like you if: I smile when we talk.
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: whoever nominated me.
25. Take my advice, never: that plate of melted cheese? Don’t eat it.
26. My ideal breakfast is: filter coffee and toast with lashings of butter and honey.
27. A song I love but do not have is: the live version of Hotel California that they use on MTV sometimes (OK OK, Q or VH2).
28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: Climb up to the castle, and enjoy the view down the Clyde.
29. Why won’t people: just get along?
30. If you spend a night at my house: red wine and takeaway curry, good music and laughter.
31. I’d stop my wedding for: no-one as I’m already married, thanks!
32. The world could do without: idiots.
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: let ANYONE stick ANYTHING in my EYE EVER.
34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Marilyn Monroe.
35. Paper clips are more useful than: not having paper clips when you need one.
36. If I do anything well it’s: convincing people that I can do anything well.
37. I can’t help but: constantly need something to hold my attention.
38. I usually cry: at soppy movies, or soppy TV shows, or… basically any form of simple emotional manipulation and I tear up.
39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: only you know what YOU really want, learn to listen to yourself.
40. And by the way: one day this blog will cease to exist.
And I’ll take the same route as Cliff and wimp out of nominating anyone in particular. Instead, if you haven’t blogged for a while or just fancy a change, grab the sentences and finish them yourself.
Five Things You Don’t Know About Me meme
Tuesday, December 19, 2006 ~ No comments yet
podz tagged me with this, trickier than it sounds:
- I don’t like it when plans change.
- I have snogged a man.
- I once lost a pair of boxers on a night out.
- I spend far too much time imagining how certain situations MIGHT pan out.
- I have an alter ego.
Right, who’s next? Lemme see.. how about.. ohh you know what? Feel free to grab this one, I just don’t have the energy to try and pick people who might do it, as opposed to those who won’t. Too many of the latter, too few of the former!
Remember people, blogging is supposed to be fun. Irreverent, silly, fun! Meme on!
One Book Meme
Monday, September 18, 2006 ~ No comments yet
I’ve been tagged with two memes recently, one I’ve done before so I’m not doing it again (life is just TOO short Matt!), and the one you are about to read.
Or not, I’m not forcing you, but let’s be honest, do you have anything better to do?? Ummm, well, obviously you do but it can’t be that important or you wouldn’t be wasting your time here, would you. Ergo, you are going to read this.
Except for you belligerent, uppity, types. You’ll just leap straight to the comments to say that you didn’t read it, won’t you. Well, that still means you are doing something when you have better things to do so the joke is on you. Somehow. In my head.
Um, where was I? Ohh yes, the meme thingy.
This one is a bit of a misnomer, although I’m not exactly sure what it’s called as her wot tagged me didn’t include it in her post, the lazy bint, so I’m calling it the ‘one book’ meme, which belies the fact that it will list several.
I’ll apologise now for my atrocious memory as, whilst I’ve read quite a few books (>10 but <10,000), I tend to forget about them once I'm finished. This makes completing a meme about books that you've read decidely tricky. Anyway, enough waffling from me.
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25 lines
Friday, July 7, 2006 ~ No comments yet
Inspired by Lisa and Rob, I’ve got a little quiz for you.
It’s simple enough, 25 lyrics, guess the song and artist. I’ve used the “Party Shuffle” mode of iTunes to pull 25 random tracks from my library, so don’t blame me… entirely..
Ohh and it’s not always the first line of the song, some were a little to obvious for that.
UPDATE: DEADLINE passed, here are the answers to all… er… 26 tracks
- I want your tender charms, cause I’m lonely and blue
Rescue Me by Fontella Bass - PB Curtis - Spread out the oil, the gasoline. I walk smooth, ride in a mean, mean machine
Start me up by The Rolling Stones - From the torn or taffeta, You’re frozen in the contemplation of a win
4 pounds in 2 days by Lambchop - Go hug your sister, Go love your sister, Go hug your sister, One and the same<
Pistol of fire by Kings of Loen/li> - You can hear, dear Mother Nature murmuring low “Let yourself go”
It’s De-Lovely by Cole Porter (sung by Jeri Southern) - Cheerful One - And her hunky funky junky, Of a boyfriend, Got her on late nights, With her skirt tight
High Times by Jamiroquai - With all the will in the world, Diving for dear life
Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello - Rullsenberg - Put your hair back, we get to leave, Eleven gallows on your sleeve
Perfect Circle by R.E.M. - David - Inside you’re pretending, Crimes have been swept aside, Somewhere where they can forget
Mysterions by Portishead - Seven out a twenty one knocked down now only fourteen left to go
Out of nowhere by Athlete - There is nothin’ fair in this world, There is nothin’ safe in this world
White Wedding by Billy Idol - Joanna - I got a faulty parachute, I got a stranger’s friend, An exciting change in, My butchers blend
Losing Hope by Jack Johnson - I have a choice between the bat or the belt, each time I hear about the hand you’ve been dealt
Wind Up by Foo Fighters - Petrified for the millionth time. Slowly my soul evaporates, No parachutes no dismal clouds, Just this fucking space
I’m not working by the Manic Street Preachers - Lyle - Fear me you lord and lady preachers, I descend upon your earth from the skies
Seven Seas of Rhye by Queen - Tom - L.A. proved too much for the man, So he’s leavin’ the life he’s come to know
Midnight train to Georgia by Gladys Knight - robin - You stay the night at his house, With no ride to work, And I’m the one who tells you, He’s another jerk
You by Aimee Mann - pootlecat - We dive into a dark doorway, Hiding from the clouds of grey, Oh babe, I don’t mind it at all
Scottish Rain by The Silencers - May God bless and keep you always, May your wishes all come true, May you always do for others, And let others do for you.
Forever young by Bob Dylan - Canute - Yeah but nobody searches, And nobody cares somehow, When the loving that you’ve wasted, Comes raining from a hapless cloud
Slow Hands by Interpol - I dont have to sell my soul, Hes already in me
I Wanna be adored by The Stone Roses - Rullsenberg - Hold up, hold on, don’t be scared, You’ll never change what’s been and gone
Stop crying your heart out by Oasis - And into the sea goes pretty England and me, Around the Bay of Biscay and back for tea
This is a Low by Blur - Kerron - A year ago, last Thursday, I was strolling in the zoo, when I met a man who thought he knew the lot
I’m a Gnu by Flanders and Swann - Z - Viktor was born in the spring of ‘44, And never saw his father anymore, A child of sacrifice, a child of war
Leningrad by Billy Joel - Blue Witch - Lost in a lullaby, Side of the road, Melt in a memory, Slide in a solitude
Fugitive Motel by Elbow
Honourable mentions: Adrian McEwen.
Right. Have at it people! I’ll update correct guesses when I can over the weekend. Ohh and we all KNOW it’d be easy to just Google for the answers but what’s the point in that?
World Cup Rules
Friday, June 9, 2006 ~ No comments yet
Finally, it’s here!
Now, before I start, I’ll point anyone not interested in this to head over to ScaryDuck’s place.
The World Cup kicks off today and with that in mind I thought it would be good to make sure we are all aligned and in agreement with some basic rules during this busy period.
So, and this is specifically for the (non-footballing) ladies, may I suggest you read, digest and ensure you understand the following rules:
Rule 1: From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
Rule 2: During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
Rule 3: If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won’t have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
Rule 4: During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor. It. Will. Not. Happen.
Rule 5: It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
Rule 6: Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
Rule 7: You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
Rule 8: The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
Rule 9: Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
Rule 10: But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash. Yes “we”. You will be taken along only to make sure HIS partner is obeying these rules.
Rule 11: The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this… why don’t you change the channel to something we can both watch??” as the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of the list”.
Rule 12: And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.
All clear? Good.
Ohh and don’t blame me, I got this from him.
Websitesasgraphs
Wednesday, May 31, 2006 ~ No comments yet
Found on slothblog.
Get yours here - may take some time to draw (mine took almost 5 minutes to complete) and of limited value. Pretty though. Legend is one the page under the generated image.